Perseverance
by Roy González - Gig Harbor, Washington

Hello dads of WSFN! Bienvenido! (Welcome). It has been almost 11 years since I wrote in Connections about my family. At that time, we had moved from Yakima to Gig Harbor due to employment opportunities and my sons were eight and five-years-old. Then I told my story of my experience of what I had gone through after learning of my son Joel’s (pronounced ho-el) disability shortly after his birth. In my story I talked about my early teens and watching a family member die and then later living through my immediate family’s tragedies of an older brother losing a limb in a motorcycle accident and my father’s failed attempt at suicide that left him paralyzed and unable to speak or take care of himself. I talked about how these experiences, although tragic and painful, could not prepare me for what I was about to experience at learning that Joel had Downs syndrome and autism.

Well, today I am here to tell you that life isn’t over and I have learned so much from the lessons my children have taught me. But more importantly, I am humbled by the perseverance of our family to stay the course even when we were told not to expect much from Joel (who is now 17 years old and a senior in high school).

Since kindergarten, Joel has struggled to talk. Teachers and therapists tried to teach him sign language but having tactile sensitivity on the left side of his body, along with the lack of fine motor skills, made it difficult for him to use his hands to form letters or words. The muscles on the left side of his face also made it difficult for him to pronounce certain words or vowels. Then the professionals tried a tech-speak machine, which he can use but enjoys playing with it more than using it as a communication device. None-the-less, Joel has learned to communicate quite well with his family and the world.

Joel found other ways to tell his family what he wanted and needed and now has the confidence to say hello to whoever is willing to acknowledge him. Joel began by saying hello to anyone he met in the grocery store or in public. Then he expanded it to conversing with others. Mind you, it isn’t vocabulary everyone knows, but it is vocabulary that Joel knows and those who have day-to-day contact with him. So when Joel strikes up a conversation with someone in public it is generally a teacher’s assistant, therapist, or staff member he knows from school. But sometimes he surprises us all and will, at times, begin conversations with perfect strangers. He must know that they have gentle souls because Joel normally doesn’t converse with just anyone. In any case, his mother, brother or I are usually around to help interpret and these strangers find him a genuine delight.

We have also found that Joel has a sense of humor. When the boys were elementary age Joel would frustrate his older brother, Eli, by playing with his toys and at times breaking them. Eli, being the typically annoyed, older frustrated sibling, would catch Joel with his toy and would run to him to snatch it away and in a very clenched mouth and frustrated tone would mumble, “You’re such a pooty and a futz.” Joel, not understanding the reaction,would only give Eli a blank stare as his older brother stomped away angry. As time went on and Eli’s patience grew with Joel he would simply call him a “futz” or say, “Joel you’re a pooty.” One day, about three years ago, Joel began to tell Eli that he was a “pooty.” In most cases this took place at a time when his brother didn’t expect it, such as when they were watching TV or playing video games together. It would generally go something like: “Eli you know what? You’re a “POOTY!” (shouting it out loud). It caught his brother by such a surprise that he cracked up laughing.

This past fall Eli left for college at Eastern Washington University. Joel quickly learned that his big brother was away at college and for the first few weeks, whenever he walked past his car in the driveway or his bedroom, he would point and say, “Eli! College!” Today he realizes that his brother is away at school and whenever Eli’s name comes up in a conversation, Joel will generally pipe up and add his two bits by saying, “Eli! College!”

Last April Eli came home for spring break, late in the evening, while Joel was already in bed. In the morning Joel walked by the bedroom and realized Eli was home and in bed asleep. He casually poked his head in the room and shouted out to him, “Eli! You’re a POOTY!” and walked on. I looked back into Eli’s room and saw a smile on his brother’s face as he lay with his eyes closed.

To all the new parents and particularly the dads—keep at it. Go with what you believe in your heart that your child can accomplish and give them the opportunity to succeed. It may not look like what you thought it would be, but I promise you that it will definitely feel like it should be. Hearing Joel communicating with the world has made it worth the effort for our family to stay the course and believe he would one day communicate. This has given us the strength to continue to push him to strive to meet the next milestone without caring about timelines. In doing so, we have come to expect that some day he will also be potty trained. To our delight he has shown signs of overcoming this hurdle as well. P-e-r-s-e-v-e-r-a-n-c-e = Keep at it = Don’t give up. Our children will surprise us and make their way in society and the world.

Joel has definitely persevered and has taught all of us that there is a place in this world for him. We just needed to believe in him and give him the chance to prove it.