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"Put the macho stuff on hold for awhile guys. Find the strength within yourself to open up your heart and give yourself permission to cry, cry, cry.... for whatever reason. You'll always come out a better man because of it."
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Crying Can Make You a Better Man
Hogan Hilling
Men often have a difficult time expressing their feelings, especially when it comes to crying. Like most men from the time they were boys, I was taught not to cry for various reasons. Among them was the notion that it was a feminine characteristic seen as a sign of weakness, and if you did cry you had better have a good reason or you'd be subjected to name calling. There were many times I wanted to cry but was afraid because of what my male peers would think and say about me. Unfortunately, I had to wait until I was thirty-eight to finally realize it was right to cry.
Early on in our marriage, before the children were born, I arrived home to find my wife, Tina, in the living room crying. I first consoled her by asking her if she was all right. Than I asked, "Why are you crying?" "I don't know," she replied. "What do you mean you don't know? How can I help if I don't know why you're crying?" "I don't know, honey! I just feel like crying." "That's ridiculous! You have to be crying for a reason. C'mon! What is it?" "I don't know!" Tina answered.
I became very frustrated. Added to the frustration were my expectations of coming home to a happy wife, a clean house, a nice dinner, and maybe a little romance. Instead I was met by a crying wife who had no reasonable explanation for the way she was feeling. Along with the frustration came the uncertainty of ever understanding women. Six years later I would learn the important lesson of what crying was all about.
One evening in 1993 I did my usual ritual of kissing Grant and Wesley good night while they lay asleep in their bedrooms. This was a special time when I could stop the hands of time to cherish the privilege and honor of being a father. After I kissed Wesley good night a warm feeling came over me that touched my heart like never before. His angelic face glowing in the dark of the night brought tears to my eyes, and I sat there motionless for about ten minutes crying my eyes out.
My face still wet with tears, I walked to the master bedroom. I lay next to Tina looking for comfort. She held me in her arms, and I let out the biggest cry I had ever experienced in my life. I was crying so loud I had to put a pillow over my head to muffle the sound so the neighbors couldn't hear. I continued to cry, cry, cry, and cry; it must have been about twenty to thirty minutes. Tina did her best to console me as any good wife would and knows how to do. And now it was time to for her to ask the infamous question. Hogan, "Why are you crying?" Guess what my answer was.... that's right, "I don't know!"
Looking back to the time I asked my wife the same questions, I can now admit that my own insensitivity finally got the best of me. Although I didn't have an answer that evening, the next day I understood my reasons for crying. Crying helped me release all the tension, anxiety and frustration of life that had built up inside me. It felt great to relieve myself of all the hurt and pain I was feeling without being destructive. But what really hit home with me was that I never thought I could love another human being as much as I did my children that night.
Crying is a wonderful, intimate experience I recommend to any man. It's an experience men ought to learn to accept and share with their families. By coming to terms with my own need to cry I now have a much better understanding of other people's feelings, but most importantly it has strengthened and enhanced the relationship I now have with my wife and children.
Put the macho stuff on hold for awhile guys. Find the strength within yourself to open up your heart and give yourself permission to cry, cry, cry.... for whatever reason. You'll always come out a better man because of it.
Hogan Hilling
Irvine, CA
This article was published in "Fathers Voices," Exceptional Parent magazine, May, 1994
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