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Nate Terrell lives with his wife, Anita Foeman, and children, Nicole (age 11) and Chelsea (age 5) in Laurel Springs, New Jersey. They continue to learn profound lessons from their intense work with Nikki, who loves life and overcoming new challenges. Nikki is helped on her journey by her sister, who provides her with constant adoration and enthusiastic support. Nate also works part time as a therapist at Family Counseling Services in Voorhees, New Jersey. Nate welcomes communication with other fathers at natet@snip.net
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Lessons from Nikki
by Nate Terrell
"Are you acquainted with the term cerebral palsy?" the developmental specialist asked us. My wife, Anita, and I had known that our 10-month-old-daughter, Nikki, wasn't developing properly, but we had never expected such a grim diagnosis. Anita fled the room in tears while I frantically sputtered questions: "Will she ever talk? Will she know who we are?"
At least now we knew why Nikki took little or no interest in anything around her - including us. At 1, Nikki could barely extend her arms and made only fleeting eye contact. We tried to connect with our curly-haired baby girl, but when he held her, she tensed her limbs as if defending herself.
Anita and I were desperate to be part of Nikki's life. I tried playing Beethoven on the stereo; as I danced with her in my arms, she smiled and even laughed. I twirled her around the living room, dreaming that one day when I hugged her she would hug me back. No sooner had she accomplished something than I longed for her to reach another goal.
And that was our main problem. Nikki was working hard trying to master new activities, rolling over, for example. It was Anita and I who were in trouble. Stuck in our morass of grief and impatience, we needed help. Then we learned about The Option Institute in Sheffield, Massachusetts, an organization for the parents of children who have special needs. The seminars we attended there taught us that we could make each day a happy one for Nikki, and that any changes in attitude had to come from us.
It was terribly hard, but once we gave up our expectations for Nikki, we found we enjoyed her more. Whenever she tried to do something new, like hold up her head or reach for a bubble, we encouraged her and tried not to worry about whether she would succeed. We joked that we had entered the "Nikki zone," a place in which there was no past and no future, only the present. It worked: Nikki became more responsive to us. Encouraged by this, I switched to a part-time job, and Anita and I arranged our work schedules so we could give Nikki one-on-one attention for 12 hours a day. We massaged her arms and legs to coax them into relaxation. We made funny faces and sounds to get her attention and placed her favorite toys where she could reach for them.
For a year, Nikki taught us lessons in patience as she stood on her own for hours each day without taking a step. Every muscle in her body appeared eager to move forward, but she couldn't figure out how. She wasn't ready yet.
When she was 3 1/2, we visited some relatives in Florida. I was sitting on the floor, with Nikki standing a few feet in front of me. Suddenly, she took a few halting but definite steps. I shouted for Anita, and with tears in our eyes we watched our little trouper make her way across the room.
Nikki is now a cheerful, energetic 10-year-old who attends an excellent nearby school for kids with special needs. When she gets tired or bored, she plops down in one of our laps to snuggle. I pick her up when I come home at night, and she gives me a big hug that eases any stress I might be feeling. Nikki has taught us many things, but the most important one is acceptance. Nikki is perfect the way she is. And so are we.
This article was published originally in the September, 1998 issue of CHILD Magazine.
Nate Terrell lives with his wife, Anita Foeman, and children, Nicole (age 11) and Chelsea (age 5) in Laurel Springs, New Jersey. They continue to learn profound lessons from their intense work with Nikki, who loves life and overcoming new challenges. Nikki is helped on her journey by her sister, who provides her with constant adoration and enthusiastic support. Nate also works part time as a therapist at Family Counseling Services in Voorhees, New Jersey. Nate welcomes communication with other fathers at natet@snip.net
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