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Edward Sample, 53, retired three years ago after 30 years with General Motors Corporation. He now works full-time doing maintenance for the First Lutheran Church in Janesville, Wisconsin. Edwards lives in Janesville with his wife, Roberta, and their children, Edward jr., 13, and nine-year-old twins Sarah and Robert. All three children have cerebral palsy.
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A Few Miles on the Ol’ Rocker
Edward Sample
My name is Edward Sample...
I am writing this down because I may not be able to get past
My fear of speaking...
I have never talked in public before.
I can’t... the words stick in my throat.
Most of you have met someone like me... I was the boy in your class
at school that you thought never knew the answer...
When the teacher called on me... I cleared my throat...
squirmed... but never could answer...
Until the third grade I knew the answers... and..
until the third grade my teachers called on me...
But in third grade a label appeared on the bottom of my school record...
After that the teacher stopped calling on me... and...
She stopped dropping by my desk to show me how to do things...
I could still answer the questions... but I couldn’t do most
of my homework.
I couldn’t read...
I didn’t finish high school...
But I did learn to read...
I taught myself with the help of a Doctor that I worked for
while I was in the Army...
I never understood what happened in the third grade...
For a long time I thought the teacher just didn’t like me
Then... I saw my school record... I read the label...
I knew why she stopped working with me...
I can read... I still have trouble reading out loud...
I still stumble over words... so... I wrote my words down
Even if I cannot speak... you will have them...
I will not have failed... cause... when Roberta
said... just share what it is like for you... tell them
what it is like to be Dad... tell them what it is like to be
Dad... when your children have some special needs.
I can’t really tell you anything about what medical people
call "special" about my children. I can tell you...
The children have "cerebral palsy"...
I don’t know what that means in medical terms...
I do know what that means to Dad...
It means that some people see me and my family with a label
It means that some people see what is "wrong" with my children.
It means that some people only get excited if they think
they can "fix" what is wrong...
It means that some people want to know why the children are
broken... who broke them.. and how to get me to do something
called accept...
It means that some people get the words "accept"...
and "give up" confused.
It means that things really haven’t changed very much...
since I was in third grade... and
It means that some people make me made as hell!
If you look at us this way you are going to miss my real family.
You won’t meet the woman that goes out looking for accidents
You’ll never hear the story of when the throttle stuck on the van...
She called me at work... and said...
The good news is I just got a free cord of firewood.
The bad news is.... I cut it down with the van...
You’ll never hear the children laugh...
You’ll never see us go to the park to fly our kites... and...
You’ll miss seeing my wife trying to mount a horse...
From the wrong side...
Being Dad for me is pretty much the same as it is for any
other Dad I know.
I love my children...
I want the best for them...
They make me laugh... and... sometimes...
They make my cry...
"Disability" is not what we are... or... who we are...
Disabilities for us just are...
like having blue eyes... brown hair... and freckles.
One advantage of being Dad...
Nobody expects to see much of you...
I remember the first time my wife and I took Edward to a
place that examines slow babies...
They schedule appointments 9 AM to 5 PM...
Monday through Friday...
I took the day off of work...
I drove...
I parked the car...
I carried the diaper bag...
I went and got the parking sticker...
I walked back to the car and put the sticker in the window...
I gave the insurance information...
I signed the forms... and...
Then I went to look for my family...
By the time I found them the examination was over...
All of the people that examined my son...
Came into the room to tell what they had found...
They asked my wife the questions... I was the one
who took "Maternity Leave"...
I was the one that had been feeding him... so...
I told them it took me 45 minutes to give him 2 ounces...
I told them that he choked a lot on his milk...
The one lady said "We found nothing wrong"...
The doctor said, "Have your wife show you how to hold him"...
Several days later someone called for more information...
They asked to speak to my wife...
Most Dads that I know are in pretty much the same boat that I am...
What is different for me... is... Special needs do not go away...
There are more and more appointments...
More and more strangers digging in your life...
More and more "labels" for your child and your family...
Then one day the boss says... "Listen fella,
I’m sorry for your problems... but
I can’t keep giving you days off"...
Even when the boss is understanding...
Bill collectors are not...
So one day I don’t remember when... I stopped going to appointments...
I didn’t understand much of what was said...
Most of the words, "fine motor"... "gross motor" were foreign to me.
Now I know that this was the beginning of our family’s long,
slow process of drifting apart...
One day I realized that mother and children were living one life...
And I was living another...
Grown up men are not supposed to say how afraid they are...
So I watched my wife grow more distant...
more irritable...
more tired...
I never told her how lonely I was...
I never told her how worried about the bills I was... but...
I nagged about the wash being stacked up...
The house being messy... and her never having time for me...
I nagged until she cried...
Then I left...
I am ashamed of having left my family...
Every time I left them I knew it wouldn’t help...
All the time I was gone I loved them... supported them... and
Knew I would come back...
But still I left...
Until the last time.
As I was putting my things in the car...
I overheard my eight year old screaming...
"Please God, my Dad him’s leaving cause my brain’s broke"...
I held him in my arms... and...
We both cried...
Mom and Sarah joined us...
We were all wrapped up in our sadness... Then...
Robbie asked...
Did our dog die...
There’s laughter in our family too... lots of it...
For too long I sat quietly in the third grade...
My thoughts and feelings trapped inside me...
My son’s fear... My family’s tears... helped change that...
This family is the best thing in my life...
Each of us is of equal worth and importance...
Each of us will share in the other’s life...
Because.... we want to... we need to...
Any regular appointments that can never include us as family...
May not be able to meet our needs...
I keep reading that there are very few fathers
involved in their children’s programs...
Everybody seems to think this is some great new event...
That Dads are somehow not interested in their children.
I cannot speak for all Dads... but if I had the chance...
I would ask that the Dads that are doing some of that research...
Take a look at their own lives...
How many of them visit the doctor with their children?
How many of them could take four days a month off of work...?
How many of them can visit their child’s program each day...
Does not being there... not knowing...
Have anything to do with the kind of Dad they are...?
No...
And it doesn’t for me either!
I hope that someday the people that are looking for us Dads
will remember...
Many of us are where we have to be...
That if you want to see us you only need to make it possible
for us to be part of our family... without letting our family down...
You need to find us soon...
If you wait too long... the reason you need to find us...
May have already separated us from our family.
You can find me...
Early mornings...
Evenings...
Weekends and Holidays...
I have 10 sick days a year and 2 weeks vacation...
Nothing... absolutely nothing... is more important than my family...
In addition to their "special needs"
They need a place to live...
Food...
Clothing...
Transportation...
Sometimes I even waste a few dollars on things they want...
I like being Dad... I need to be part of my family...
I used to accept being the "Missing Father"...
Not any more...
I may not know all those fancy words on those evaluations...
But... I’ve put a few miles on the ole rocker with all three children...
I am part of what keeps my family healthy...
We depend on each other...
So...
The next time the phone rings at my house...
And it is someone needing information about one of my children...
I hope they won’t ask for my wife...
But if they do...
I want to be strong enough to tell them...
"This is their Dad... I CAN help you"...
First I had to help myself...
Edward Sample
Rt. 4, 2226 Britt Rd.
Janesville, WI 53545
Edward Sample, 53, retired three years ago after 30 years with General Motors Corporation. He now works full-time doing maintenance for the First Lutheran Church in Janesville, Wisconsin. Edwards lives in Janesville with his wife, Roberta, and their children, Edward jr., 13, and nine-year-old twins Sarah and Robert. All three children have cerebral palsy.
The above article was first published in the National Fathers Network Newsletter, Summer, 1992, and "Fathers Voices," Exceptional Parent magazine, December, 1994.
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