A Whole New Ballgame
by James May

Men are much in the news these days, and not all the commentary is particularly flattering. Newsweek ran a cover article on "Deadbeat Dads," men who fail to pay child support. 1 Time magazine asked the question, "Are Men Really that Bad?" 2 The Chicago Tribune, in a scathing editorial cartoon, asked the question, "Where have all the fathers gone?" in a reference to urban violence. Their reply... "Blowin’ in the wind." Thus if many men seem rather beleaguered and confused (and believe me, not all fathers are) perhaps it is because many of us are looking for a better balance in our lives, time for work, our families, and yes -- time for ourselves too. As women so keenly know, this balance is hard to find. Harvard professor David Bell remarks:

Despite the things we [men] did learn from our fathers, we usually did not find out how to balance full participation in work and in family. Now we are exploring uncharted territory, with all of the missteps and false starts that such exploration requires. 3

Fathers of children with special needs discern the discomfort and joys of this exploration better than any men I know. Daily they ask themselves hard questions: how do I come to terms with a child’s future that often seems hopeless and confusing; how do I cope with the feelings of anger and helplessness that continually creep to the surface; how do I help my employer understand the special circumstances of my family without jeopardizing my job; where do I find enough time in the day to work, to nurture the relationship I have with my spouse, and be a vital part of my child’s life?

Kyle Pruett, professor at Yale University Child Study Center, captures the essence of the changes occurring for fathers when he notes that the "truth is leaking out through the real lives of men and their children that the uninvited, uninvolved, unwelcomed, inept father is moving towards obsolescence. But let’s not delude ourselves. Such change is frequently unwelcome, highly suspect, and often seen as ’unnatural.’ "

One needs to ask, to whom is it unnatural, and why? Care providers are challenged to rethink how services are delivered. Increasing numbers of men are showing up at therapy sessions, doctor’s appointments, even circle time. With 70% of American women now in the work place, this trend will continue to grow and expand. Indeed, family-centered care declares there must be more than one "designated expert" when it comes to the well being of a child. Steve Fischer, in the August 1994 column, remarks how he has "come to realize that we have a long way to go in educating our health care providers to the emotional needs that fathers have with special needs children. I have also realized that fathers must take it upon themselves to be an advocate for this learning. We must support each other, encourage each other, and when comfortable, share with each other. We must remind our health care providers that fathers are caregivers too."

Many changes happening in men’s lives are dubious to men themselves. Raised and conditioned to work -- be a breadwinner -- increasing numbers of men are making family life the priority in their lives, with the attendant doubts and confusion that accompanies such a transformation. Where just a few years ago only a handful of men attended disability conferences or frequented their children’s I.E.P. sessions, they now do so in ever-increasing numbers, fully engaged in advocating for their children and families. The 1990 census shows a three fold increase in single parent full custodial dads. Not uncommon anymore is the man who chooses to be the parent who stays at home with the children while the woman is the primary provider. Such changes are consistent with men re-evaluating how they conduct their lives. An Associated Press article described Brandon Tartikoff’s resignation as head of Paramount Pictures as "something that once would have been inconceivable but now reflects an important fact of American life," that one of industry’s most powerful executives was rejecting the idea "that work is everything." Tartikoff, in his departure said that ".... I have learned the hard way that it is one grand illusion if you start believing you can be totally dedicated to the demands of your job without shortchanging your pressing responsibilities to your family." Felice Schwartz, president of Catalyst, a New York consulting firm on workplace equality issues, summarizes the changes she sees in many men; "The adrenaline-driven, career-driven, focused guy is no longer our hero. The ideal is a man with a more balanced life, and he’s not a wimp or sissy if he gets involved with his kids; he’s really a good father."

Fathers of children with special needs are re-thinking their values and priorities. They are discovering that parenting is a whole new ballgame. In the year the Fathers Voices column has existed, I have found myself deeply moved by the willingness of men to communicate their thoughts and feelings. In sharing their private worlds, they have gained insight into what they have learned about themselves because of their children. They have written about shattered dreams, the anger, the fear, and above all else, the joy and love they experience for their children. No one will ever convince me that men don’t have strong emotions; they might not exhibit their emotions for the world to see, but the feelings are clear and evident for those willing to take the time to observe and listen.

Robert Greenwald, in his evocative "The Silent Ringmaster," (November 1993) wishes...

to move behind the blueness of your [his son’s] eyes,

to assemble the fragments of sight and sound to make the animals come alive.

I would rise up like a ringmaster

and crack the whip

that sends the lion roaring

through rings of fire,

or the elephant standing on one hind leg,

or bears - many bears -

dancing in an awkward circle.

All sound! All color! All motion

coming together in mid-brain

with whip-snapping clarity!

Most fathers, like Mr. Greenwald, would do everything in their power to bring the world to their children.

Many men talk about how the child becomes the father’s teacher. John Cox, in "Dreams," (April, 1994) says that "All children are a gift to their parents, grandparents, teachers -- everyone that comes into contact with them. And they teach us all something that we would not have learned without them. For me it was to slow down so I could take pleasure in the details of my children’s lives. I learned to take an active part in all my children’s activities and to cherish each of their accomplishments. I couldn’t have done it without her, and I am much richer for this experience. I would not wish it away." Thomas Nolan, in his moving and revealing commentary, "What’s a Tough Guy to Do?" (June 1994), notes he "learned to be a more caring father for both of my sons. All those ’womanly traits’ I was so shocked to find within myself have helped me to survive the onslaught of emotional and physical demands leukodystrophy has thrust upon me." Bob Craig, in "I’m Bryan’s Dad and Part of His Team" (February 1994) implores men to "Stay involved! It’s important for you as a parent. It’s important for your child with special needs." Hogan Hilling, in "Crying Can Make You a Better Man," (May 1994} asks that men "Put the macho stuff on hold for a while..." and "Find the strength within yourself to open up your heart and give yourself permission to cry, cry for whatever reason. You’ll be a better man because of it."

I have been blessed in meeting and hearing from some terrific fathers this past year, men willing to share their stories and their passions, strengths, laughter and tears. They thank me for lifting the mask of personal isolation, for helping them know that what they are experiencing is okay. They speak of finding renewed hope knowing they are not alone. "Thanks to Exceptional Parent magazine and "Fathers Voices" for the information, support, and inspiration." Slowly, the dreams return.... "of the future, of my daughter working, building meaningful relationships, and accomplishing great things for herself and others.

I know that she will never be a lawyer, doctor, or ballerina -- but I dream all the same of what she can become -- and I cherish each step she takes along her way of accomplishments." (John Cox, April 1994)

I trust readers have enjoyed meeting these men too. In a spirit of gratitude and celebration, vast numbers of women call or write and thank me for the column; "this has been long overdue." Men, continue to submit your thoughts; give us new reflections of what fatherhood means to you. Help us continue to rejoice in the freedom to love, to care for, and nurture our families. John Huffacker declares "the reward for this courageous ’coming out’ will be immeasurable for men, women, children and a society that desperately needs this kind of repair within the family." 4

Fathers....

You have rich milk

For your children’s souls.

Feed them

That the earth might become

A more compassionate place

For all of us. 5

References:

1 Newsweek, May 4, 1992
2 Time, February 14, 1994
3 The Fathers Book, 141,-142.
4 Father Times Newsletter, summer, 1992.
5 From Realm of Nurturing Men

Originally published in Exceptional Parent magazine, November, 1994, "Fathers Voices" column (updated).  © 1994. We thank them for their permission to reprint this article.

All rights to this text belong to James May, jmay@seanet.com