The Joys and Challenges of Fatherhood in America
or…"John Wayne Meets Robert Bly"
by James May

The following is a keynote speech presented at a statewide forum on fatherhood, Denver, Colorado, October 5, 1999

"Fatherhood is the single most creative, complicated, fulfilling, frustrating, engrossing, enriching, depleting endeavor of a man’s adult life."  -Kyle Pruett, Yale University

I start with a simple bias -- children need men in their lives on a regular, consistent basis. Men need children in their lives. The payoff is enormous. Many men have yet to discover this.

Few times have been as exciting or as confusing to be a dad. In an article about the changing roles of fathers, Time magazine described the challenges this way, "The guilt, the joy, the fear, the fun that comes with a changing role."

Fathers need to be placed in the context of their families. The changes in the American family in the past 20 years are startling.

With such massive change, one has to re-think what constitutes a family. What is "typical?" Sociologist Urie Bronfenbrenner says "a family is a group of people who make an irrational commitment to each other to the point of making each other crazy." I define family as anyone who financially, socially, emotionally, and spiritually touches one’s life in a positive manner. This could be the biological parent, extended family member, a neighbor or church member. It could be a good friend or colleagues at work.

How do these changes impact the roles of fathers? We know that many men are accepting an increased share of domestic responsibilities as they perceive their roles as parents very differently than a generation or two ago. Much of this change is driven by economics. Here are some of the major changes that are occurring:

• The number of single father households has increased 246% in the last 30 years; there are 14.9 million single parent households in the U.S. today, and over 3 million -- or 20% -- are single father homes, one of the fastest growing populations in the 1990 census.
  
• Increasing numbers of men are choosing to stay at home while mothers pursue full time employment and are the main provider for the home.

Yet one statistic screams out at us: the United States has the highest rate of absentee fathers in the world! Many men are more confused than ever about what it means to be a dad today. For many men it’s clearly "an old game being played by new rules."

The challenges of male involvement with children are numerous. Last spring I attended and spoke at a Harvard University conference where this question was debated: "Do men make a difference in the lives of children?" After three days of intense discussion, the "results" were inconclusive. Would we ever ask this question about mothers and children? Of course not! How far we still have to go!

There are few men in social service work, particularly early childhood programs. For 14 years I have worked with and spoken almost exclusively to women. As men we really don’t have much credibility if we’re not in the trenches doing the daily work with kids, be that Head Start, early intervention, pediatrics, or elementary teaching.

There is a continual onslaught of television and print advertisements that portray men as hormonally driven, boozing womanizers, unable to cook or clean, lusting for the latest toys (cars, electronics, tools, etc.), Barely competent with children, and unable to perform domestic duties, we are portrayed as slobs! Just watch "Raymond" or re-runs of "Men Behaving Badly." Or watch a football game on television and the ads come flying out at you. "Out here our world is beer!" "Be a Miller Man," ad nauseum. One wants to scream out, "For gawd sake, Bubba, get a life!"

There is the steady beat of men portrayed as "deadbeat dads," derelict and irresponsible in carrying out their fatherly responsibilities. The primary focus of many initiatives to "support" fathers is punitive, demanding men pay their child support.

Most American corporations believe that an employee’s primary duty is to work. There is little comprehension of the number of single, full custodial men (and women) raising kids, that these kids get sick and need to go to the doctor; that they need safe and positive child care environments, and that men really are capable of being great parents. It is such an attitude that reminds me of what eminent researcher Ross Parke said many years ago. "We didn’t just forget fathers by accident; we ignored them because of our assumption that they were less important than mothers in influencing the developing child." There is a strong underlying belief that men are only to do the 3 p’s: provide, protect, and procreate, and barbecue on summer weekends.

Yet thousands of men are increasingly discovering "that a father may embrace his children but until he embraces his own unique, irreplaceable value to them as a parent, he does not have as much in his arms as he thinks." (Pruett) As men we must start with ourselves. Why are we the way we are? What brought us to this place. There is a pervasive male mystique that says men don’t need a connection to family or community; we don’t fatigue as easily as women, and we’re unemotional, rational, power driven, highly competitive, and capable of machine like efficiency at work.

As men we know this is absurd. Most of us know these stereotypes are mythology, but the statistics says otherwise. We die seven years earlier than women; we kill and addict ourselves far more than women do, and we too often end up in the streets homeless. At our worst we are like the Marlboro man, heading west, alone, needing no one. We have conscripted ourselves to isolation and loneliness, a lonely John Wayne.

Most men still define themselves by what they do in their vocation. I vividly remember the man from Maine who says he wasn’t going to participate in the evening discussion. When asked why, he replied, "I have no job thus I have no right to my feelings." This definition needs expansion! We must choose new "priorities." David Bell hits the nail on the head when he remarks:

Despite the things we did learn from our fathers, we usually did not find out how to balance full participation in work and in family. Now we are exploring uncharted territory, with all of the missteps and false starts that such exploration requires.

The 90’s man is a confusing amalgam of ideas and influences. Even with all the talk of men’s changing roles, men banging on drums and getting in touch with their feminine sides, most men define themselves in the following ways:

• We are providers, breadwinners – our primary function in life
  
• We are protectors – our job is keep others safe from harm
  
• Our job is to take control - be competitive and in charge
  
• Self-sufficiency is held in high esteem - asking for help or support is not, and
  we rarely show our feeelings, particularly feelings of sadness, depression and loneliness.
  
  My work has taught me that these roles cross through most all cultures. Growing up in a German family, I came to know them well – too well. What is missing here of course is the development of our nurturing and caretaking selves, for others and for ourselves. I work with men whose children often shatter prescribed models of parental "success."
  
  Few of these roles work when your child is chronically ill or developmentally disabled? They just don’t measure up. No amount of effort will "fix" the problems; the medical and educational "experts" seem to have more control than you do, and your self-sufficiency often creates monstrous isolation and loneliness. One is often left in tears of anger and rage. As one man put it, "I daily come to the Red Sea and it just won’t part. I don’t know what to do." Often it is remarked that such children "provide a crash course in fatherhood," and many of the lessons are not easy to learn.Some years ago I had storm windows installed on my home. The man who came to do the job was very angry. Not taking it personally, I left him alone to complete his work. Later he wanted to use my phone. When he came back upstairs from my office he blurted, "What the hell do you know about disabilities." I realized I had left a book next to the phone about families raising children with special health care needs. What followed was a blast of rage and fury. "I’ve gone through 15 months of hell. My marriage is shot, I’ve got debts I can’t pay, and a son I can’t understand." Like the bartender, I listened carefully, and when the man finished, I said I work with men who are experiencing similar situations. "Would you like to join us?" With disdain he blurted, "Of course not," and he left.Few men have been taught how to cope with grief and loss. During the memorial service for the Oklahoma bombing, I noted that women were given roses upon entry to the service, and children were given teddy bears. But men were given nothing. It’s as if we must go it alone. We know that "big boys don’t cry" anyway. A grief counselor frames the issue this way:
  
  What does a grieving man do? He does whatever he believes he needs to do to take care of himself. It may mean that he’ll carry his grief as a solitary burden in his head and his heart for years. It doesn’t have to be that way.
  
  He is right of course. It doesn’t have to be that way! Whether out of tragedy and loss, economics or self-enlightenment, many men are choosing to re-define themselves, as men and fathers, and our relationship to work and our families. Such questioning often leads to "transformation." I liken it to a "journey of the soul." The discoveries are profound. Sirgay Sanger observes that:
  
  Most of the deeper pleasures of parenting arise from its nurturing aspects. The satisfaction of knowing you can soothe a child in a special way or please him not only is deeply validating, but also exercises an elemental pull on a parent. The more parents find that they can do for a child, the more they want to do. Because of the different ways they are socialized, women know this but men don’t. They will have to be helped to discover it.
  
  Most afternoons I take a break from work and head up to my local coffee house for a latte (Seattlelites do this sort of thing -- regularly!). I often take note of how many men are out with their kids, having fun, totally engrossed in each other. Such moments never fail to bring a smile to my face. As men we must understand how important we are to children. Mothers do, but I’m not sure many men fully understand this notion. Research makes it very clear that when children have active male involvement in their lives they gain higher levels of self-esteem, increased sexual identity, improved curiosity and risk taking, and improved social skills. They build healthier relationships with the opposite sex. Ross Parke, in his extensive research, concludes that fathers help their children "develop a sense of their own competence and independence."
  
  So how do men build their nurturing, caretaking sides and become more engaged in family and children as important, life changing work? How can corporations and organizations assist in this process? Let me make a few suggestions, most gleaned from the thousands of men I have met and worked with. They have taught me well.
  
  - Men need to talk with their fathers, listen to them, find out what they were like growing up, and what they learned from their own dads and other male figures about raising children. We are not talking about judging and condemnation, but listening and learning with compassion and understanding. When my father told me about the hardships of growing up on a farm during the depression, it forever changed me and our relationship. He made it clear how ill prepared he was to be a dad, and how very proud he is of my success. Martin Greenberg says that "a son’s memories of his father are images that have a life of their own. Such memories hold the key to father-child bonding."
  
  - Men need to talk with other men, and not just about sports, work, and politics. Mainly we need to talk about our feelings -- yes, that "touchy feely stuff." We need to recognize emotions, understand them, and share them! Too many of us have cut ourselves off from our feelings, and except for anger, we keep our emotions tucked away and buttoned up, particularly feelings of sadness, loneliness and depression. We must learn that there are other options when dealing with loss other than overwork and overdrink or hoping the feelings will just go away. We need to be teachers and learners for each other. Kenneth Braker puts it this way: "If we could only learn to share readily the things that are stored up deep within, then we could possibly avoid the tragedy of stumbling over our own hurt and get on with the task of helping those who need us."
  
  - We must know that self-disclosure is not a loss of manliness, and that asking for help is a sign of strength. Yes, we can even learn to ask for directions once in awhile. "Good fathering flows from the realization that being a father is important, vital, demanding, rewarding, and risky. Telling your story of what it is like to be your father’s son and your child’s father to another father and another, and listening to their stories in return is ultimately the only school for fathering." (Lowell Streiker)
  
  - Women need to know and understand that men parent differently than they do -- not better, not worse, but differently. We have always prided ourselves by being physical and playing with our kids. We know that men have innate parenting skills, but they need avenues to explore, make mistakes, and learn more about these skills. If not given a chance they will indeed go back to what do the best -- work. There must be an expectation that men will be involved with their children, and then given the necessary freedom and room to learn in ways that are uniquely their own.
  
  - We must be good partners in our relationships. The 1990 census determined that just 32% of men regularly do domestic chores around the home. That’s disgraceful! If 75% of all women are in the work force, then we must do our part. Cook, clean, shop, do diapers. Hey, it ain’t half bad.... really!
  
  - We need to continue to learn about managing anger, the one emotion we typically have been given permission to show. Speaking for myself, much of my anger shows up when I feel I’m about to lose control. Chip away this veneer and there is sadness and fear. We must move beyond emotional and physical abuse -- to ourselves and to others.
  
  - Equal rights for men in courts of law and in custody cases is paramount, but men must do this without trashing women. This does not serve us as men or our children well.
  
  - Corporate America and our government must assist families and fathers in making a difference in children’s lives. Professor William Galston of the University of Maryland declares that "there is a huge, structural mismatch between the needs of men... and current practice in the corporate world." A successful employee is more than the bottom line on the payroll; it is also taking care of a sick child, and having time to invest in family life on a regular basis. Companies will discover that they employ both a better father and a more productive employee. Since most of you in the audience are women, few of you probably know that it has only been the past several years that baby changing tables in public restrooms are routinely available. A sign in the Cincinnati airport declares, "This facility now provides diaper changing equipment." It’s a start and recognition that men indeed have children, their children need changing, and men know how to do the job.
  
  The rewards for families and children when fathers are fully involved are endless. But just as important is what a man learns about his inner self, that he can be both tough and tender, playful and compassionate, assertive and also openly loving of his family -- and himself. The public images of men are slowly changing. You folks can be the vanguard that provides a better life for men and for all of us.
  
  The men I have worked with have taught me so very well. One dad said it beautifully when he came to the awareness that his child with special was a gift to him: "I feel proud of my daughter and even proud of myself -- that I’m a damn good father."
  
  "Perhaps our challenge as men is to parent so our children can be abidingly human." (Pruett) I recently spent a Saturday morning with 15 men, all challenged by raising profoundly disabled children. We laughed, cried and cared for each other. I asked them, "If you were talking with other men, what would you say about fatherhood?" Their answers were instantaneous:
  
  "Tell them to always love their kids. Skip the comparisons, they are meaningless. Life makes no promises to any of us. But show your love to your children -- hug them, kiss them, make them feel good about themselves, but above all else, show them. The hell with all the rest."
  
  Randi Wolf, in an article in the Family Resource Coalition Journal, declares:
  
  Children need and deserve the love and attention of both parents. Let’s work together so that every parent is fully respected and every child has the opportunity to establish close bonds with both men and women right from the start... There is nothing more Important than our families and nothing more critical to the long-range future of our species than raising our children well. As there is also nothing more difficult, It makes sense to muster all of the forces available. In this spirit, let’s recognize and welcome fathers as full and equal partners in this task.
  
  Let me leave you with a final quotation taken from the Realm of Nurturing Men:
  
  Fathers.... You have rich milk
  For your children’s souls.
  Feed them that the earth might become
  A more compassionate place for all of us.
  
  Thank you very much.

Note: this article is copyrighted © and not to be re-printed without the author’s permission. Contact James May at: jmay@seanet.com