Opening Doors for Men in Child Care Settings The following is a keynote talk given by James May at a regional child care conference in San Francisco, California, May 14, 2002.
It is a pleasure to be with you today. It is an honor to speak at a conference focused on child care, one of the most demanding, least understood, and most underpaid professions in the country. For seventeen years I have directed programs for men raising children with special health care needs and developmental disabilities. Few people have been as blessed in their work, and even fewer have experienced men in the emotional struggles that come with having the “less than perfect child” of one’s dreams. For twelve of these years I have also worked with male caretakers raising children with HIV/AIDS. Their lives resonate with isolation and rejection, and their children have forced them to critically re-examine their roles as parents. They can teach us all.
When asked to speak at this program, I began to play with ideas regarding the importance of fathers and their relationship to child care services -- an imposing task. I asked numerous men and family members in our programs to tell their stories. My primary goal today is to stimulate and provoke discussion about effective services for fathers, and in turn, posit the idea that father friendly services are good for both family and provider well being. I ground my remarks in the thousands of men and families I have met and worked with during the past two decades. Their stories, honed in the fabric of personal experiences and immense stresses, have given me unique insight into the power of male involvement with children.
Family-centered, community based, culturally competent care is part of our lexicon, a mantra of service delivery. It is important to start with what family is, as one cannot speak about fatherhood or men without this context. Urie Bronfenbrenner says:
A family is a group of people who make an irrational commitment to each other’s well being to the point of making each other crazy.
All of us here know the American family has experienced profound change in the past 20+ years. Fewer and fewer of us are living in a traditional nuclear family, with a fully intact marriage, in the suburbs with 2.2 kids, 2 cars, and 3 television sets. In fact, most of us never did! We now realize that Ozzie and Harriet, Leave It to Beaver, and Father Knows Best were western nostalgia. The good old days simply were not always that good. Here is some data from the U.S. census that magnify the changes occurring in our lives. I am always startled when I read them.
- Today the fastest growing population is the single parent home. By the time a child reaches age 18, 67% will spend part of their growing up with either mom or dad;
- Currently less than 10% of the population live in two-parent families where the father is the sole financial support;
- In the past 20 years the number of working women with children under one year of age has increased 70%;
- Grandparents are raising 3.7 million children;
- More than 3 out of 4 women with children between the ages of 6 and 17 are in the work force.
We could talk about the increase in culturally diverse families; the growth of intergenerational families; the varieties of parenting models now deemed acceptable by the courts, including grandparents as custodial parents, increased joint custodial parenting, and gay and lesbian parents. The obvious common thread is that the American family has dramatically changed, and will never again be the same.
At a Family Leadership conference sponsored by the Office of Special Education, family was defined this way:
A family is a group of people who are important to each other and offer each other love and support, especially in times of crises. In order to be sensitive to the wide variety of life styles, living arrangements, and cultural variations that exist today, the family... can no longer be limited to just parent-child relationships... Family involvement must reach out to include: mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, neighbors, and other persons who have important roles in the lives of children.
For increasing numbers family is also the child care professional. Child care is at the very heart of family change! So where do fathers fit into this picture?
- Single, father-led, full custodial homes are one of the fastest growing populations in the U.S. 17.6% of all single parent homes are now headed by fathers; between 1995 and 1998 there was a 25% increase in the single father households;
- 1 in 5 fathers is the primary care provider for their preschool-aged children, and 1 in 10 for their school-aged children;
- Many fathers are accepting an increased share of domestic responsibilities. They do diapers, they cook, clean and share in household chores. They perceive their roles as parents very differently than a generation or two ago. In the past ten years many more stay at home while mom is the primary breadwinner.
Unfortunately, the most stunning fact of all is that the United States has the highest rate of absentee fathers in the world. We all pay a price for this statistic.
Noted author Lowell Streiker notes that for fathers it is an old game being played by new rules. The rule book has become extremely challenging for men in regards to their children and families. Time magazine defined fatherhood this way: the guilt, the joy, the fear, the fun that comes with a changing role.
Psychiatrist Kyle Pruett of the Yale Child Study Center declares that fathering is:
The single most creative, complicated, fulfilling, frustrating, engrossing, enriching, depleting endeavor of a man’s adult life.
I strongly encourage all of you read Pruett’s Fatherneed: Why Father Care Is As Essential As Mother Care for Your Child. He traces the history of fatherhood, from agrarian society where fathers were fully involved with their children, to the industrial age where men have a limited role in the parenting process, primarily breadwinners. He gives us new understanding that men are now vital -- indeed essential -- to family health and well being. There is a growing body of research that declares father presence and child-wellbeing are inseparable.
- Children with engaged fathers living at home tend to perform better, both academically and emotionally;
- When fathers are involved in their children’s education, such as volunteering in the classroom and helping with homework, their children are more likely to have improved grades, enjoy school, participate in after school activities, and are less likely to have repeated a grade;
- Children with fathers living at home also exhibit increased levels of empathy and self-esteem, and maintain more secure relationships with peers and family;
- Adolescents and young adults with close paternal relationships report fewer incidents of depression and increased self-confidence;
- Father involvement is linked to lower rates of youth delinquency and reduced chances of incarceration or breaking the law, and
- Children are less likely to be at risk for poverty.
In an earlier landmark book, The Nurturing Father, Kyle Pruett declared that:
A father may embrace his children but until he embraces his own unique, irreplaceable value to them as a parent, he does not have as much in his arms as he thinks.
The images of fatherhood today are rather mixed, even tattered. There is formidable mythology about men being deadbeat dads, absentee fathers, derelict in carrying out their fatherly re-sponsibilities. There is a residual of the old belief that men are still to do the 3 P’s: provide, pro-tect, and procreate, and maybe barbecue on the weekend. Television and movies have often con-tributed to the portrayal of fathers as stupid, macho, sex-crazed, beer drinking, hormonally driven womanizers -- insensitive buffoons and eternal adolescents. There is a pervasive male mystique that says:
- Men do not need a connection to family or community,
- Men do not fatigue as easily as women,
- They are unemotional, rational, power-driven, highly competitive, and
- Capable of machine like efficiency at work.
We know this is not true, but unfortunately, many men have bought into that mystique and the results are not very pretty. We still die on average 5 1/2 years earlier than women, make up 70% of alcoholics, 70% of drug addicts, 70 to 80% of suicides, and 80 to 90% of the homeless. David Bell remarks that:
Despite the things we did learn from our own fathers, we usually did not find out how to balance full participation in work and in family. Now we are exploring uncharted territory, with all of the missteps and false starts that such exploration requires.
Fathers who were authoritarian, distant, and detached in their demeanor and actions raised many of us. The great American writer, Ernest Hemingway, stated that American men never stop being sons long enough to learn how to be fathers. Yale University theologian James Dittes declares that too often a man has learned that the economic security of his family is his most sacred, possibly only, legitimate domain. Men learn early that the correct way to father is indirectly.
Many men parent their children very differently from what they experienced themselves. That parenting is driven by a loss of what they wanted from their fathers while growing up. We need increased role models that speak to us about nurturance, compassion, loyalty, and endless love. All men need to gain increased understanding about what it means to be a caretaker to children. Noted scholar, Sirgay Sanger, declares:
Most of the deeper pleasures of parenting arise from its nurturing aspects. The satisfaction of knowing you can soothe a child in a special way or please him not only is deeply validating, but also exercises an elemental pull on a parent. The more parents find that they can do for a child, the more they want to do. Because of the different ways they are socialized, women know this but men don’t. They will have to be helped to discover it.
Women must understand that men parent differently -- not better, not worse -- but differently than mothers do. We have always rejoiced in playing with our children, taking risks and being physical with them. There is no question that men have innate nurturing and caretaking skills; they need avenues to explore, make mistakes, and learn more about those skills. Not given a chance, they will fall back into what they do best -- work. Women must expect men to be involved with children, and then give them the necessary freedom and room to learn in ways that are uniquely their own. Early child care experiences will be the foundation for many men; their experiences in this arena will provide them models of learning that will last a lifetime.
Men also need to talk with other men, not just about sports, work, or politics, but about feelings -- what men often disparagingly label touchy feely crap. Many of us have been cut off from our emotions. Except for anger, we keep our feelings tucked away and zipped up, particularly sadness, loneliness and depression.
When we experience loss and the accompanying grief, we often do not know what to do -- we work harder, some drink more, and most hope the feelings just go away. John Wayne lives on. At the memorial service for the Oklahoma tragedy several years ago, women were given roses as they entered the hall, children were given teddy bears, and men nothing. It was a message that loudly declared that men are on their own. A grief counselor says:
What does a grieving man do? He does whatever he believes he needs to do to take care of himself. It may mean that he’ll carry his grief as a solitary burden in his head and his heart for years. It doesn’t have to be that way.
My greatest wish is that increasing numbers of men enter social service careers, particularly early childhood education. What a profound difference this would make for children and their families, and for men.
Research tells us there are measurable, positive and powerful effects upon children when fathers are actively involved in their care and nurturing. There is enhanced self-esteem, sexual identity, cognitive growth, curiosity, and social relatedness. In a dramatic finding, Kyle Pruett discovered that when a man is involved in the physical care of his child before the age of three, there is a reduction in the probability he will later be involved in sexual abuse of children, in the general population, as well as with his own children. Ross Parke, in his groundbreaking work, clarified that fathers help their offspring develop a sense of competence and independence. Simply stated, children need men in their lives. Men also need children in their lives!
So where does child care play a part in this transformation? In so many ways providers are the gatekeepers for change and can help or hinder male involvement. James Levine, director of the Families and Work Institute in New York, has done significant work regarding Head Start and Early Childhood programs. He clarifies key barriers for father involvement:
- Father fear of exposing personal and child care inadequacies (it is difficult for many men to ask for help or admit they are not experts);
- Ambivalence of program staff members regarding father involvement (the idea that money and resources should be targeted at men when they are often viewed as a primary cause of the problems facing children);
- Gate keeping by mothers, defined as the failure of men to receive credit for their efforts (women need assurance these programs will also benefit them, as well as their children);
- Inappropriate program design and delivery (the programs do not reflect what men really want and need, thus they do not participate, resulting in the conclusion that men do not care to be involved - this is simply not so!).
McBride, Obuchowski and Rane identify key issues that early childhood programs must explore to strengthen father/family and child care partnerships:
- Be specific about goals -- know why your efforts for fathers are important;
- Acknowledge resistance to father initiatives;
- Identify significant male role figures to target (not necessarily biological fathers), and build a core of men for leadership;
- Provide staff training and support;
- Assist women in facilitating male involvement, help them learn about personal boundaries, and means for defining their fears and concerns:
- Do not neglect mothers! Gain their support and involvement. In our Bellevue program we offer full child care for all fatherhood meetings and many social programs for the entire family. I can assure you that we are well loved by women;
- Go slowly. Success is rarely measured in numbers. Think developmentally. Target small areas for success and build on them; for example, sponsor activities for fathers where the outcome is a tangible product;
- Do not reinvent the wheel; look at what is already in place and build on these programs. Use such programs for technical assistance and support. The goal is to link child care to family support. Focus on family strengths. Connect child care to other community services so men and their families may know each other and build partnerships.
Bernice Weissbourd remarks that child care was originally designed to save the child from the family. Now child care is crucial in supporting the family. Few families can make it alone, without support and resources, particularly low inome families. Rarely are family members -- particularly fathers -- in-volved in the planning, policies, and activities developing a child care program. Parents and families are under immense stresses, and child care must not be another burden that adds to that stress. Weissbourd says we need to be innovative in our offerings -- encourage potlucks, inexpensive meals, bartering and trading of services. We must also find new ways to finance child care. Too often we have slashed the budget in this country on the backs of our children. It is imperative child care staff must be paid a better wage!
Child care centers and staff can be agents for positive change in welcoming fathers, and enhancing involvement with their children. Some areas for consideration include:
- What is the attitude child care personnel bring to men; are they viewed as necessary and nurturing, knowledgeable and knowing, or deadbeat and delinquent in their responsibilities to children? Charles Ballard calls this the distinction between heartbeat dads and deadbeat dads.
- Are men encouraged and valued for what they bring to the programs?
- Are there pictures on the wall showing men nurturing their children; does your newsletter and literature have a column for dads and use language that is inclusive of both mothers and fathers?
- Are male staff members hired and routinely involved with children?
- At intake are efforts made to gain input from both mom and dad about child needs and concerns?
- Are activities specifically developed for dads to enhance their father-child relationships? Do family activities reach out to men and make them feel welcome?
- Are the services offered flexible, focused on family strengths, and culturally appropriate to the populations served?
- Are fathers serving on child care boards and steering committees? Are men viewed from a systems perspective?
Certainly it is way past time for the corporate world and government to make necessary changes in such areas as paid leave time for the birth of an infant, child care in the work setting, and extended personal release time for illness, maternity, and children with disabilities. William Galston, professor at University of Maryland, declares that there is a huge, structural mismatch between the needs of men and current practice in the corporate world. Ever so slowly employers are encouraging paternity leave, deem it appropriate for men to attend doctor and education appointments with their kids, and promoting preventative health care and healthy work climates. This not only improves life for children but decreases the need for mothers to be the designated expert. It also encourages men to lead an increasingly balanced life -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. They will stay alive longer.
As men we have a chance to love and be with our children in ways very different from previous generations. We do not need to be Mr. Mom; we need to be Mr. Dad -- active, playful, compassionate, gentle, outspoken, and openly loving of our families and ourselves.
The vision of Kyle Pruett -- and increasing numbers of men and women everywhere -- is that a:
Father would be loving and nurturing without embarrassment or fear, open and vulnerable without being a victim. He could foster in his children the freedom to be strongly feminine or tenderly mas-culine but, above all, abidingly human.
Child care is a great place to learn about and become such a father! Randi Wolf declares:
Children need and deserve the love and attention of both parents. Let us work together so that every parent is fully respected and every child has the opportunity to establish close bonds with both men and women right from the start. There is nothing more important than our families and nothing more critical to the long-range future of our species than raising our children well. As there is also nothing more difficult, it makes sense to muster all of the forces available. In this spirit, let’s recognize and welcome fathers as full and equal partners in this task.
Thank you for the work you do, and for your ongoing support of families.
© Copyrighted material. Do not reprint without author approval.
