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"I feel that having a child with special needs is no different from going to college or choosing a demanding professional job -- it's just another challenge, that if accepted and done well, will make me a better and more compassionate person."
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My Son, Edward
Ron Henricksen
There are not many places where my son, Edward, feels comfortable. Diagnosed in 1988 at age three with autism, he is very slow to warm to new people or places.
Edward is affectionately known in the family as a water rat. It usually takes hours of persuasion to get him to go most places. If we go to the beach or the pool, however, he?s in the car before we can pack. He is more than happy to spend two to three hours in the ocean near our home in Aptos, California, jumping in the surf and letting the waves crash over him. Considering that the ocean temperature in our part of California is 58 to 62 degrees, we have tried to get him into a wet suit, but he insists that he does not want it or need it. I, on the other hand, have found a wet suit necessary in order to stay with him in the frigid waters.
Playing in the pounding surf, we find a special closeness. Comfortable in his favorite environment, Edward will initiate communication -- something he rarely does at other times. For these rare moments of togetherness, I would gladly swim in water at any temperature if he asked.
The year that Edward was diagnosed with autism was also our first trip to Huntington Lake, a beautiful spot in the mountains of northern California. This first trip was an all guys getaway which, in addition to Edward and me, included my dad, uncle Ken, and cousin Sean. I was not at all prepared for his reaction to a new and strange place. Until he fell into an exhausted sleep at 3:00 AM, he pleaded with me to go back home. Equally exhausted and worried about Edward, I was ready to concede to his demands. We did, however, stick it out and had a wonderful week of fishing and swimming.
We have returned to the lake every year since then. Our trips now include mom and younger brother, Teddy. At age five, Teddy has already begun to exceed Edward?s physical abilities in sports that require running, such as baseball. But during the week at the lake, Edward can still outperform his younger brother. On a rocky mountain trail leading to our favorite swimming hole, Indian Pools, Edward cannot be beat. He maneuvers the trail like a mountain goat with the strength and determination of a horse heading for his favorite meadow.
Understanding Edward's need for predictability, we have established a routine of renting the same cabin and going to the lake the same time every year. Now that Edward is getting older, we want to experiment with new cabins. I feel fairly comfortable that this will be OK with Edward as long as the routine of the day remains the same.
Our usual day begins when Teddy and I get up early to go fishing while Edward and mom sleep. Edward has no use for fishing. When we return we have a quick breakfast of Cheerios (always Cheerios), then we are off to our favorite swimming place. Early in the afternoon, we set off on a hike or some other favorite activity. As long as our daily routine includes swimming at Indian Pools, Edward tolerates the other activities. He has learned to enjoy many of them, but Indian Pools is still THE PLACE for Edward.
This year mom is insisting that we all go for a trail ride up the mountain. Edward and I are not too sure about this, but we will both humor mom and make the trip. Teddy likes getting dirty and getting dirty with horses is high on his list of activities. Edward has been around horses through a vaulting program (a form of gymnastics done on horses) in our community. I think he enjoys the challenge of balancing on a moving horse, but he has no more feeling for the horse than the rocks he likes to balance on near the ocean.
Edward especially enjoys the times when the whole family does things together. To spend time with the family, he will go along with mom?s plan. He will probably even enjoy himself but only after telling us at least ten or twenty times that he will not ride that horse.
As I write this, we are just three weeks away from our next trip to Huntington Lake. Edward started marking off the days on his calendar as soon as school was out. Each year his teachers and school aides hear stories until November about the trip. The lake is Edward?s second home, and the peace that it brings to him makes it special for all of us.
Edward?s needs are very basic. He is constantly stressed by the demands of living in a world that is too chaotic and language-based for his abilities. He struggles all year to keep up in his integrated classroom and deal with classmates who don?t understand him. For one week each year he can forget all that and just live his version of the simple life.
After a week at the lake with Edward, I am more relaxed and reluctant to return to my own responsibilities and work. Raising Edward has taught me more about myself than I would have ever thought possible. Thanks to my son I have learned that many of the things I passionately pursued before he came into my life are really pointless. Before Edward, I worked hard to impress my bosses and be the best in my profession. I became vice-president of my company only to discover that working fifty to sixty hours per week at the expense of time with my children was too high a price to pay for career success. I spend my extra time riding bikes with Edward, playing soccer with Teddy and reading with both of them. I remind myself that Edward?s childhood will not last forever. Now is the time to build a relationship and help him become as functional an adult as possible.
Edward has helped me understand which battles in parenting and professional life are important and which are futile. As a result, I have become a more thoughtful parent, and perhaps a more thoughtful person. He has taught me to evaluate those rules and family rituals which were a part of my upbringing, and which I wanted to perpetuate in my own family. From an early age, Edward was not willing to join us at the family dinner table. His disability limits his interest in many family-centered activities. I slowly learned that insisting on the family sitting down to dinner together was creating friction in our home. If I gave in to Edward?s needs, he would not suffer, I would not suffer, and family life would go on. Since this insight, I have been quicker to evaluate the usefulness of our family traditions and household rules, and because of this, many conflicts have been avoided. I understand that loving Edward and my family, and creating a safe and happy home, are our most important family traditions.
I feel that having a child with special needs is no different from going to college or choosing a demanding professional job -- it's just another challenge, that if accepted and done well, will make me a better and more compassionate person. To this end, I struggle to learn as much as his needs can teach me.
Ron R. Henricksen
111 Toledo Drive
Aptos, CA 95003
This article was published in the "Fathers Voices," column, Exceptional Parent magazine.
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